Well, I’m here at this blog because I am now officially an emotional eater.
I wasn’t before. Before our wonderful baby was born we spent lots of time together. Going for long walks and enjoying being outside. That rickety old bench is where we would often stop and rest and look at the people go by while we held each other’s hand.
Reading what I just wrote I see I’m making it sound dream like but in reality it was just a walk that a normal couple took. I’m not sure exactly when it happened but it was around after the first month or so.
It was at that point that we settled down into a routine with the baby and well you know how busy that is. I’m not sure what he was expecting but that is how life is when you have a newborn.
My first thoughts for almost a month were that I was out of shape, too fat and not attractive to him anymore. I suffered with that day and night with nothing really I could do about it but try my best to eat right and take care of the new member of the family.
I was upset with him too for it. I felt it wasn’t fair that he did that to me, that he pulled away and stopped coming to me to just talk and hug and cuddle. So I had the ‘OMG I’m not cute anymore’ stress to deal with PLUS my anger towards him. It was getting to me.
I tried talking to him but he never really admitted anything. That wasn’t much like him either as we used to be able to work out most anything.
It was around baby’s 4th month that I started to get the idea that it wasn’t about my looks but the fact that I wasn’t able to give him any attention anymore. I do spend so much time with the baby and she is difficult, crying often in the night and me having to tend to her a lot in the day.
I don’t have as much time to be with him and listen to him talk about his day or just be interested in what he has to say. We don’t watch movies anymore together and find it difficult to coordinate a walk with the baby’s constant needs.
So I do understand his frustration and I feel it too. I miss him and wish he could give me attention like he used to. Again I tried to bring this up to him and he wouldn’t admit anything this time either.
I think he’s too embarrassed to admit that I’m right because it would make him look kind of childish. Being annoyed that I’m not with him because of our child, ‘of course the child’s needs come first‘ he thinks.
So I think he’s in a bit of a catch-22 with his embarrassment and with his frustration. I wish he would just admit it though. I asked if we could see a councilor online and he always says no but this last time he agreed.
I hope it helps and that he opens up. He does help a lot with the baby and with things around the house and is a wonderful support in every way but not emotionally. He never was strong that way.
In the meantime I’ve taken to eating more to keep me company. I nurse my daughter and watch a movie to wind down before bed. And I usually have something to feed myself too. Chips or ice cream or crackers and cheese and I’m not just talking about a small portion either.
I know it’s my way of compensating for not having anyone else there. I try calling my mum or brother and it helps to talk to someone but eventually we hang up.
I’ve gained about 18 pounds in that time and unless something changes that will keep going up. I didn’t like the scale before and I don’t like now either. Because of the weight gain my insecurities about my looks are coming back too.
Not sure what to do.
For now this is how it is and I wanted to put my thoughts out there. That I overeat and that I sit on that bench by myself now, baby in stroller sleeping beside me.
Thanks and wish me (us) luck.
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