… or until I die. Whichever comes first in my emotional eating nightmare.
Eating until I Hate Myself
I know it’s going to happen but I do it anyway. I can feel it coming on now before I indulge. Usually I have a plan for how things are going to go and whenever there’s too much stress or things get out of hand I start to make bad decisions.
Hours before I KNOW I am going to eat a ton at dinner time and just throw my diet, which I have been trying to stick to for a good amount of time now, out the window.
I’m working here next to my husband and for two hours and I’ve been craving pasta with hot sauce and my favorite processed sausage (which I won’t say the name of as it’s too hard to pronounce.)
I know going to the fridge now is not possible so I sit, work and wait. TWO HOURS!
Also, being married or living with someone creates some shame exposure that’s almost as unbearable as the shame from drinking or taking stuff, you know what I mean.
The thought of him walking in and catching me eat until I’m sick is just embarrassing. But, I just can’t throw off that urge. I used to think I was just too impulsive but that’s quite obviously not it.
There’s beating this feeling. There’s now way to scratch this itch. No amount of meditation or P interest will help. It’s such a hard thing to accept that after all this time of thinking I can win without any help is tough.
I wasted a lot of time.
What Works for Me
Knowing I couldn’t just outright win and accepting that actually started to help. It changed my focus from not wanting to binge ever again to trying to do it less.
That’s when I came upon many sites including this one that helped me realize I could try to help myself and my eating shenanigans in a more productive way.
So, it may not be big new for anyone but it was certainly was enlightening for me and I wanted to share (thanks for letting me post this on the blog 🙂 .
So like I said Ive been trying to do the binge-zero approach, meaning never binging again. But I always end up messing up and feeling guilty, often being driven to eat without care. It always took me a long time to refocus, resulting in lots of extra stress and then not caring about my diet at all.
But I’ve learned that what I can do is shorten my “rebound” time. So those binging episodes which were many meals of binging in a row before, are now reduced.
I now have a new goal of trying to decrease the binge period from many binge meals to just 1 or 2 and then getting back “on the wagon” and turning it back around straight to my diet.
I’ve come to understand that when I binge I can accept it (even though I don’t like it) and allow it to happen, knowing it’s part of the way things are now and that it’s certainly much better to eat like this now than to say “screw it” and just give up, eating the house dry.
I’ve actually relapsed 3 times in the last 2 months, but because I have been turning it around more quickly, I’m making good eating choices more of the time and have felt the benefits with a small weight loss too.
Why I Feel like Eating too Much
Obviously we all know it’s because we have problem and also know that our problems are only taking a back seat with us while we use binging to distract from them.
But for me I think it’s part feeling inadequate and part loneliness.
I can’t beat the cravings. Resistance is futile my husband always says. I realize that I have to find the thing that I really need. For me it is a social life. When I’m alone for long periods of time, I am never full.
My husband is stuck at home right now with me but his job demands he take care of a whole host of problems that would be done in half the time if he were able to work at the office. So I’m working remotely and don’t see many people.
I’ve always coped with eating but now it’s much much worse.
Sometimes a family member will have a small gathering and for me that is like going out into a lively place. And when I’m there a wave of fullness and calm comes over me. And then I don’t have to fight the itch because it’s not there anymore.
I need a fuller social life and didn’t realize how stressful it is on the body to not see people very much. So for my health’s sake and for my sanity’s sake I’ll have to start to make the attempt to see more people and create more “play dates” 🙂
And when things get better I’ll have to double down on that.
I am seeing the light though. I have a better way of dealing with my overeating now and more of an idea of what’s going on underneath the surface. I binge less often and recommend highly to anyone reading to accept your emotional eating periods and then JUMP right back to the way things were with your diet and that be OKAY.
Allow that for yourself.
Also, learn more about your patterns, read the advice here, on other sites and talk with people going through the same thing. That helps too.
As for me, I’ve still got lots of pasta in my kitchen knowing I’ll need it. It’s good too.
And see that plate in the picture? I eat 3 of them 🙂
If anyone wants to email me and say hi I’d love that. A support is always a good thing for both of us.
Adele – email@example.com
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