“I got a compliment at work yesterday but instead of feeling good about it I was uncomfortable. It’s like it was all a lie, like I’m living a facade and nobody knows. To retaliate against that compliment, that lie, I binged and ate like mad.
“I didn’t even enjoy it. In fact it was quite the opposite, eating it all fast and just trying to get it down and if there was a tiny sensation of pleasure I made sure to disconnect and eat even faster.
“Deep down I feel like a nothing and so I punish myself, beat myself up as it is exactly what I deserve. I hate myself and try to hide who I am from others, trying to make myself seem better than I really am.
“I please people and try to let them only see my smile. I would die if anyone really saw me. They’d probably be in shock and never see me in any positive light again. Then I’d be exposed to myself that way too, seeing me the way they see me, and I wouldn’t be able to look away from myself.
“So whenever a situation comes up where I am faced with myself, like that compliment or a promotion etc., then I get very stressed, frustrated and become tense all over. It’s very hard for me to tolerate those feelings, that hatred of self.
“So I eat and eat to show myself how bad I am, and to gain weight. That way I can keep people away. Use my weight as an excuse to hide, to not meet new people, and to be alone where nobody can really see me.
The Way Out
“It seems like my only way to cope. If I am a big “nobody”, how will that ever change? What hope do I have? One thing I do know is that the longer this goes on, the more I isolate, the harder it is for me to change.
“This way of being has become part of my identity and I have to see that this is not me. Very difficult to do by myself though which means I’ll need others, which is a problem. I like being alone … and hate it at the same time.
“I guess it’s more accurate to say I’m anxious. I don’t want others to see the loser that is me. I certainly don’t want to confess all of this to my friends or family. I’m not sure they would understand nor am I sure of what I’m even doing.
“Maybe I’ll go to therapy first, get a grip on all of this and figure out what’s going on. Just a few sessions to orient myself in the right way and have someone else see me who is non judgemental and able to keep everything confidential.
The Next Steps
“Once I do that I know I’ll need to expose myself further. Showing everyone else who I am is the hardest thing for me to do. Shame, humiliation and self loathing will come up for me and come up hard.
“I’m not ready for just anyone to see that so maybe I’ll listen in on some group phone calls for people who have similar issues. Then when I’m comfortable I can maybe take a turn to talk and see how that goes.
“That shouldn’t be so bad actually. From there I can progress to video calls that are in kind and see other people and have them see me as I talk through my stuff. Then maybe, after a time I’ll be ready to have more honest conversations with my family and friends.
“Not necessarily to confess everything to them, but to just connect and let them see me more in general. For my sake not theirs. When others see me, I realize we are all in the same boat, scared to show our cards and I realize that the thoughts I have about myself might not be such a big deal.
“That other people are not recoiling from me and that for the most part they don’t really care all that much. They are also absorbed in their own issues.
“I’ll see too that doing this will not just help with my eating problems or my self hatred, it will also help me in other areas of my life like work or going after goals I’ve always longed to chase.
“Finally it will probably be good for everyone around me too. Me improving myself, healing myself and getting better can only have a positive impact on my family, friends and neighbors so this is bigger than just me.
“But it starts with me caring about me, about what I want and need and that’s how I get better.”
THE EATING LOVE GUIDE (FREE)
The Eating Love Guide has helped many people regain control of their eating patterns, resulting not only in weight loss but also better health and improved self-esteem. To read it online, click here.