Eating to Punish Yourself

Eating out of Frustration to Self Harm

Eating to Punish Yourself

Another form of emotional eating and one that is just as difficult to break away from.

You are such a Loser

It’s how you feel when you simply can’t stand yourself. Looking at the ugly parts of yourself is like trying to look into the sun. You barely glance at it before it’s too much for your eyes to handle.

That unacceptable part of you seems so overwhelming that you feel like you’ll NEVER be able to get rid of it and that it’s just a sucky part of who you are. A loser.

So, you say, “Screw it, I’m going to eat and I know it’s not good for me right now but I also don’t care.”

Self Harm through Food

You then go on to say, “I am going to eat whatever the hell I want, stuff my face and just do everything wrong because I’m angry.

You know why? because f-you to the world that’s why. I will hurt myself, just to show myself my own contempt for myself, which is really my ugly side. The part I don’t want to show anyone, least myself.

“I feel powerless to change this emotional issue I have. It’s so big and it feels like it’s all of me. Who the hell would want that? Who the hell would want me? I wouldn’t want me?

“So I’m going to hurt myself for this, punish myself for sucking this bad because there is no way I can accept myself like this.

“I deserve to be treated this way and will reject myself and beat myself to a pulp to avoid coming into contact with something that would be so uncomfortable that it’s unbearable.

“It also ensures that other people don’t get to see that part of me either. Me beating myself up first that is. That’s one reason why I am keeping the weight on, to say, “stay away,” to anyone who would try to get close.

“It would be 10 times more painful if I let them get close, have them see me and then watch as they recoil in horror, unable to get away from me fast enough. That would end me. I’d likely have a breakdown of some kind and be changed forever.

I would See

Because I’d be in direct contact with my ugliness, without being able to hide from it AND have someone witness that ugliness too! They’d probably go out and tell everyone and then the whole world would see my inadequacy and I’d just be finished if that happened.

“If the world saw then I’d never be able to recover. I’d be the outcast, the one who was such a loser that I was considered a 2nd class individual. Good enough to be around people and be a ‘good helper’ but not good enough to walk around with my head held high.

“So I continue to hide this part of me, from myself and from the world. That way the catastrophe won’t ever happen and I am safe. And every time I get close to my true self in some way, maybe I’m more aware or it’s reflected back to me somewhat, I’ll immediately punish myself by going on a binge. Again to show the myself and the world how bad I suck.

“It’s a good plan that has worked for me for a long time. But … it also makes me miserable. I, like everyone else yearns for connection, to be with other people and be able to be myself in front of them, to show them who I am.

Feeling Isolated and Alone

Lonely

All Alone

Because I don’t do that I’m lonely and alone, even when I’m with other people. I could be in a stadium filled with people, all of us enjoying a spiritual moment together by watching a musical performance or a special event, and I’d still feel isolated.

“So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Pain on both ends. My coping mechanism of beating myself up and hiding from the world keeps me alive, it’s about survival. But survival is not enough. If I just existed and nobody saw me it would be a tragic life no matter how it played out.

“And if I come out of my cave and let people see me then the pain would be too much, and I’d be ruined. Another tragic outcome to my life. So why take a chance?

“I don’t know. Maybe I could come out a little at a time and see what happens. I could start in the safest way possible, by first talking with a therapist, group or trusted friend. Even that seems difficult but what are my options really?

“Maybe if I do that and establish some safety I could then take the next step and take it out into the real world. Showing myself bit by bit to myself, by showing it to others. I’d start with those who have had the most influence over my life – my parents.

“Gradually I’d build on each conversation until I felt a tiny bit more comfortable being myself around them. And then I can work on my friends, acquaintances and so on. My spouse, boss etc.,

“If I did that, took those baby steps consistently, I might see myself more and look within and say, “Yeah, a part of me is ugly and I don’t like it. But maybe it’s okay too.” And maybe it would be.

Maybe it’s Okay

It would be okay because everyone else has that same ugliness (shame) too. And it’s not really that big of a deal once you let it be seen. It’s still hard and I still don’t like it. It’s painful and uncomfortable each time I let it be exposed, but less so.

“This will likely take me years, but just being on the path makes me feel better. As I connect myself to others, meaning as I show myself to them, and see them as well, I feel better. It’s what I need as a human being, not simply to function adequately, but to thrive.

“Actually, you know what? The fact that I can put myself through this difficulty, this taking care of myself, means I am also awesome on top of being ugly. The more I see the more I realize I was hiding from the parts of me that shine too. Hide one part of yourself and you hide all of them.

“That makes me feel better too. Great! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to share a whole large pizza with a friend. Then I’ll be good to myself in my diet and in the other way as well. Until the BBQ next week that is. You have to live, and living is best done being who you are around the important people in your life.”

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